Different Types of Loss
Grief is something we expect after the loss of a loved one or pet. There are many other losses sitting on the edge of our psyche waiting to be grieved. These take up energy and storage space in our consciousness. Thus, blocking a full body, mind and soul integration from occurring, despite other healing work. It can take years to become aware of these losses, or lifetimes. Once they are acknowledged can we begin to grieve these losses. Grieving is an all consuming experience, it’s no wonder we avoid it. Losses show up in our past, our now and even in the beliefs we have formed.
Grief is genuine, true, and raw. Often when people lose someone close to them, especially suddenly, they are unable to move beyond the grief. They remain stuck in an old way of being. In my case grieving my Mother’s early and sudden death took me many years. There is always a part left to grieve or losses to grieve anew. Now, I grieve that she can not see her granddaughter. That I can not ask her questions about being a Mother.
Rarely, do we acknowledge the importance of grieving these losses. The seemingly small or obscure, physical or inanimate losses. That grieving them can enable us to move forward with our own life and joy.
What needs to be grieved?
Initially, I became most aware of my stored grief by watching my anger and then looking behind it. This took me into my past. Most often into my childhood. When we look into the past, losses look like the things we wished had happened. Our wishes that went unrealized, or the love we did not receive.
Therefore, as adults we find ourselves grieving the parents we wish we had. We grieve the childhood fun we missed out on. The better choices we would have made if we had more support. As a complex trauma survivor, I grieved intensely the years I would have enjoyed more fully had the trauma never happened.
Unprocessed Grief in Everyday Life
Unprocessed grief might present like it does in the following example. Everyone is going out for a fun day, but I am tired. I have a headache. I try to stay home. If I go with everyone I drag my feet. Once there, I can not summon any joy. This is a shut down response. A red flag that there is a loss awaiting to be grieved.
This loss is taking up energy and effectively closing the heart chakra. Perhaps, by noticing this I become aware of being shut off from fun as a child. Maybe by a controlling parent, who had a pile of their own ungrieved losses. Realizing this, I might get angry as I begin to acknowledge this loss. Then I can grieve it. A past trauma could cause this type of reaction to unprocessed grieve as well.
How Pain Can Lead Us to Loss
The body holds loss as aches and pains. Sometimes chronic pain that keeps us from living a joyful and present life. At times a new pain appears signaling a loss awaiting to be grieved. If we are aware enough and are doing healing work; these points of pain are a great place to begin grieving.
For many months, I had pain in the lower area of my back. I knew it was trying to communicate with me. Yet, I had not been able to make any true connection to it. This lower area of the back is known as the Gate of Life in Tai Chi Chen.
During my last Tai Chi Chen class, we were putting our attention on opening the Gate of Life. When I tried to relax there and open my own Gate of Life, I immediately stopped in fear. I had to breathe to calm myself down in order to continue.
For the first time I could feel how tightly and how deep inside my body I was holding this area tight. It felt as though that part of my spine was twisting in on itself like a corkscrew. So tightly it effectively pulled my hips into it. Tears began to well in my heart chakra.
Grieving Is Necessary
I still needed to integrate this into my life. I was beginning to see the connection between how my childhood trauma kept me from love in my life. My sacrum, Gate of life, was holding itself shut in pain for protection. For me there was a true fear, an illusion, that relaxing this part of my body left me vulnerable to unwanted attack. I had to look into this fear in order to begin grieving it. To allow the corkscrew to loosen and my Gate of Life to truly open.
After the class I sat down on a bench in the park. Emotions, thoughts, feelings and memories rose and fell amongst sobs, tears and sighs. A grief felt for each time in the past when, perhaps, I was excited about something and then immediately felt my heart chakra (chest) tighten and I didn’t do it. Then I stored this fear and subsequent anger in my sacrum, tightening it one notch more against this truth I did not want to feel or grieve.
Grieving Old Beliefs
Even the smallest belief can deeply affect your body, mind and soul. My belief was, I am not safe to fully live. As I challenged this belief on the bench, my sacrum began to relax. I was able to look deeper into my grief. Beyond that initial belief was another one. That somewhere along my journey I thought I had to do everything alone. This further put pain on my lower back and even shoulders. Looking deeper still was a belief that love and being close to others was unsafe.
What an unraveling was occurring on that bench after a quiet morning Tai Chi Chen class. Extraordinarily, as I began to grieve loss by loss like this, my Gate of Life opened and my sacrum completely relaxed. In fact, the pain there has since dissipated.
Now, the loss of that old belief may need to be grieved . Similar to grieving losses felt as we age and can no longer do certain things with our body or the time we have left here. Either way, I found life to be different after this kind of grieving.
Life After Grief
After this grieving, my reaction to the example above where everyone is going out to have fun is different. More tuned into my own needs and wants, I have better boundaries and can better communicate my needs. Perhaps, I am tired and want to stay in and rest. Without the need for a headache to arise, I can clearly communicate this. I want time in solitude to read a book and choose that with joy. Or, I choose to go because it’s what I want to do. Fully engaged, I go and have a joyful time.
In Conclusion
Grief is multifaceted and complex, it is necessary for evolution and healing. I am learning to embrace grieving. The more I am able to grieve, the more I am able to allow joy and fun into my life on a daily basis. Therefore, bring a better me into this world. I can be a more fun and loving Mother, friend, family and community member.
Continuing to grieve as losses arise, I have been able to try new things without fear and have more energy to do the things I want to do.
In the grieving of my own belief that the world was not safe or loving for me, I have opened my Gate of Life and now move more joyfully along my path towards love.