Today, I will focus on five parts of my life that improved through trauma healing work. Focusing on the benefits of EMDR therapy.
Round Two of EMDR
Recently, I finished a second round of EMDR for another childhood trauma. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a form of psychotherapy to help people heal from trauma. It has a direct effect on lowering PTSD symptoms caused by trauma.
For me, EMDR is like going back to the trauma and experiencing it again in a safe setting. In this way, I was able to remember more details and, thus, became desensitized to the initial trauma. As a result, the memory does not negatively affect my life. For me ending this round of EMDR was emotional and momentous.
I can clearly see the impact of EMDR and trauma healing in my life, but healing trauma takes courage and steadfast commitment. Often I wanted to give up. When I finished, it felt as though I was an actress walking up on stage receiving an award with the crowd cheering. A great visual to represent how challenging and rewarding EMDR therapy is.
Trauma healing has been a beautiful interwoven tapestry of reconnecting my body, mind and soul.
Why heal trauma if it is so difficult?
To someone who does not have complex trauma this blog post may seem unbelievable. Perhaps, even strange that an adult does not have body awareness or self-care standards, for example. These are just some of the areas of a trauma survivor’s life that are greatly diminished as a result of the body and mind trying to protect itself.
Naturally, this kind of disconnection between the body and the mind means connecting to the soul, or true self, is difficult.
Since the first round of EMDR, my daily life has improved in innumerable ways. The positive effects of it arise daily and remain as time goes on. It feels as though EMDR therapy helped me form a secure foundation of healing to build on.
There are five distinct areas of my life where EMDR has lasting effects. I see ongoing healing in my self-esteem, body awareness, relationships, self-care and emotional control.
Five Benefits of EMDR
Improved Self-Esteem
People may believe you have great self-esteem if it appears that way externally. Others may think that accomplishments mean that one has strong self-esteem. What I am talking about is deeper than a surface self-esteem that may only be more concerned with outer appearances and accomplishments.
This type of healed self-esteem feels more like self-autonomy and the ability to make decisions by oneself with little input from others. A self-esteem steeped in sovereignty to ones own needs and desires.
Soon after the first EMDR sessions, I began understanding that I could say, No. Then progressing to being able to actually say, no, with confidence. Now, working through the second round of EMDR this looks like standing up for myself as in saying, no, that is enough! Then taking appropriate action to stand up for my needs and wants.
This kind of self-esteem improves relationships.
Stronger Relationships
After years of childhood trauma, a belief I formed was that I would not receive love if I spoke up for my needs. As my self- esteem improved I began speaking up if I felt hurt by a friend.
I remember the first time I did this and my friend reacted with love and calmness. I was shocked and thankful. Our friendship feels even stronger now. I was beginning to figure out how to communicate my truth to others.
Going through this second round of EMDR, I also noticed that I was no longer seeking positive attention to gain relationships at the expense of my authentic self. This kind of attention to gain relationships looks like dressing in a way that others like to fit in.
Agreeing with everything someone said was another way of pacifying my true beliefs for connection. In more extreme cases this might be saying nothing when someone overtly insulted me. Feeling as though it was my responsibility to keep the peace within a relationship.
Increasingly, I have begun to see the value in truthful and authentic connections. I can easily let other connections fall away. I noticed that this small change also shows how much more I take care of myself and communicate my needs. Knowing I will still be loved and can still be a good friend if I choose to honor my own needs.
I noticed the more I take care of myself the more fulfilling my relationships are because I have more to give.
Increased Self-Care
Self-care in someone who experienced trauma can be very difficult, however, paramount to healing.
Through EMDR, I have begun to understand there are different levels of self care. Surprisingly, in the beginning this looked as seemingly mundane as buying shoes when I needed them. For example, buying the correct boots for the rainy season to protect my feet.
Thus, taking care of myself like a loving parent might. I noticed as I moved through the first EMDR I began investing more in self-care beyond simple needs like the shoes to making healing treatments a priority.
Later a more elevated way of viewing self-care came into my awareness. I did increasingly more activities that brought joy and fun into my life. I was able to more readily release any guilt or shame I may have previously felt when doing this.
Coming through my second EMDR I began buying things I liked. Not only sensible shoes, but a pair that I loved. I changed my hair and bought jewelry that expressed my authentic self.
This form of self-care carried over into self expression. To having my own voice. This self-care poured into the care I was able to give my daughter. Increasingly, I wanted the best care and opportunities for both of us.
In time I began learning and exploring new ideas. I tried different healing modalities. I took classes and attended events. This was a form of me moving from basic self-care to self-sufficiency. From self-care to fun!
Increased self-care seemed to correlate directly to body awareness. I began to exercise more. I now had more energy and wanted my body to be nourished.
Heightened Body Awareness
Samantha is also known as Painter Emerald Wave.
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During my last EMDR session, for the first time, I realized I was causing a pain in my neck repeatedly to protect myself. I was holding my neck tight as though I was still not safe and stuck in childhood trauma. This neck pain was the last remaining part of my body that I had trouble relaxing until completing my second round of EMDR.
When I think back to before beginning trauma healing work and EMDR, I was very unaware of my body. An example of this was holding my jaw tight in anger. At the time I did not know I was even feeling angry, nor could I then identify why. This type of disassociation is common with trauma survivors.
Holding my jaw tight was the subsequent way my body reacted because I could not release anger I was not even aware of. I often jumped at loud noises or I would freeze if someone came up behind me. Now, I carry my body in a more relaxed way, not in protection or fear mode.
From carrying my body in a tense way, migraines were a monthly, sometimes weekly part of my life. As I progressed in my trauma healing I was able to notice a migraine coming on. With increased body awareness I would take action to rest, drink water and take pain medicine when needed.
Further along in my healing I was able to immediately feel my neck and shoulders tensing then relax them. I started noticing what I was thinking about or doing to bring on this restriction. I was less disassociated! In this way migraines became a smaller part of my life.
With decreased disassociation, I also felt with more clarity what emotions were stirring within me.
Emotional Control
Emotional control was a precious gift for my life as I continued EMDR.
A known result of EMDR sessions is more emotional control (emotional regulation) and the lowering of PTSD symptoms which show up as uncontrollable emotions.
Beforehand, I might have had sudden aggression that did not match what happened. Often I was unable to connect to what I was truly feeling. I felt frozen or detached.
Completely overreacting to a situation was common. As though I was going through the childhood trauma again. What was truly going on is that the situation reminded me of the trauma and I was triggered into that state again. Thus, reacting from fear. This would be hard for someone on the outside to understand these seemingly misplaced reactions.
With new found emotional control I can more clearly communicate my needs. I can stand up for myself when needed. Doing these things in ways where my emotions and reactions better match the situation.
Part of that includes being a more present and less reactive Mother. Making better decisions because my mind is clear and calm instead of shut down and reactive.
I am able to be more compassionate with myself and others. Having less ups and downs in emotional state, which means I have more energy for business, doing Reiki and having fun.
In conclusion
I share all this to show how helpful EMDR and healing trauma is to having a more fulfilled and present life. We are capable of extraordinary feats, especially when our mind, body and soul are connected. When we are free from past trauma.
Feeling more in my body and taking better care of myself feels empowering.
Stronger relationships makes me feel more secure and grounded in this world offering a sense of belonging.
Connecting to my emotions means I can share them with confidence.
I am thankful I can freely express myself in creative and powerful ways with improved self-esteem.
Healing trauma is ongoing, but, for today all I have to say is: See you later trauma! I stand strong and confident, well beyond your reach!
With EMDR you too can feel and live this way!